Wednesday, January 28, 2015

you ask me to love you. but i don't think i know how, not sure I ever did it right. ever did any of it right. I envy the people for whom love is happiness, love was never happiness in my home. love was loneliness, love was selfishness, love was sadness and disappointment, love was conveying messages from him to her and her to him, making sense of it all through the screaming. trying to make everyone happy, they who were never happy. and now you ask the likes of me, who came up through the likes of that to love, and even more, to be happy in love. well, that's like asking me to speak a language that i've never heard. but i want to make you happy. i've spent my whole life wanting to make everyone around me happy. failing, but trying. to the point where I don't know what it would take to make myself happy, to the point that i'm not sure if anything ever could, ever will. but at least you're here with me, trying to make the both of us happy. failing, but trying. and that's more than i ever hoped for, much more than i deserve.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Friday, August 17, 2012

Psm 88

You battered my heart, Three Person God, with such voracity when I was young, that my ears fell deaf to all other forms of Love.  I have lamented now, for years, to hear the beat of your Love as I once had, the drum shutting in my heart from the cruelties of a world I don't understand.  I've mourned the dark night of my soul for so long now, watching as the rhythm slowly faded to a silence, and the darkness crept upon me like a whisper.
I am poured out like water.  
In the midst now of my own existential loneliness, I can reflect clearly upon this feeling of abandonment, and see it for what it is.  You have blinded me to your presence, which I once felt utterly consumed by, so that I may be aware of my own.  I must not wander through this valley as a ghost, anxiously awaiting you to call me Home, but I must experience this place, in its fullness, in all that you have made for us by your glory.  
I must live; I must hurt; I must love.  
My actions will be my prayers to you, my Love: your glorification.  I will forever love you with my whole soul, and I know that you love each of us with a power beyond my imaginings, but la noche oscura del alma is upon me now, as it seems to be upon the world itself, and instead of shrinking from it, instead of feeling sorrow for myself and loneliness for lack of you, I now choose to embrace it.  I will never stop loving you, but I will begin to try and love this world with the same contentment that I've only ever found in you.  For this world is but a manifestation of your glory, and in the clouds, and in the streams, and in the people, I will find your face. 
As you have loved me, so will I love.  Only then will the stone be rolled away, only then can I place my fingers in your side and be transformed.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.  If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.

Saturday, August 4, 2012


There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth.

Monday, July 30, 2012

I cried everyday for months after the attack.  I've heard people say they've cried until they ran out of tears, but that's not what really happens.  I can still conjure tears every once in a while, but now I can cry without them.  Maybe you could say that my tears have evolved.  Maybe you could say I cry every moment of everyday.  Sadness doesn't feel like sadness anymore, but more like comfort,  and it will hit me, at random times - when I'm folding my laundry, when I'm driving home, when I'm out with friends.  It gives me goosebumps and butterflies and I can't quite catch my breath.  It feels almost like serenity, like anticipation.  It feels almost like love.
Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep their tongue from evil
and their lips from deceitful speech.
They must turn from evil and do good;
they must seek peace and pursue it.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
i once had a thousand desires, but in my one desire to know you, all else melted away.